I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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