omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
