I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
