I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
