tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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