I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize