I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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