A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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