if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
