is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
