That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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