My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
