these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
