the condom got lost in my hair
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize