see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize