cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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