I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
