I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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