It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
