I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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