you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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