I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
