what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
its liver damage thursday
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
