from now on my penis is your penis
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
