I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
