Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
