after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
