No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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