Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
