Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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