His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
