I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
