i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
