mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
