I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm like, not good at living.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
