I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize