and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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