Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize