rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
