And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
