I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
