I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
