He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize