I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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