you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
