Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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