im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
