My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He kissed a someone with a penis
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
