There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
