Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
