I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize