Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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