I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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