If that was your dad, he is hot
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
