My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
