is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Randomize
