then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize