I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
