i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
