i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
