he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
